{left over bok choy from printing bok choy flowers}

i was recently scanning through my documents on my laptop and i came across a file titled *My Elusives for Maya*. curious and not remembering what this file was all about, i took a minute to read it, top to bottom.  
and then i understood.
at the beginning of my SoulStorm journey with maya and pixie, that started with the new moon in august 2012, we were asked to state our elusives, as part of the process....to gauge were we were at...and what we wanted to be up to. we were asked what was missing and where we wanted to go.

i am going to share with you, "My Elusives For Maya," here in an effort toward transparency.  some of what you witness me grappling with here came to pass rather quickly.  like the part about my relationship with chad.  well...that was all me.  chad has been in a spiritual growth spurt for a solid few years now and i was feeling the pains of experiencing stuckness and seemingly little forward movement when i wrote out these elusives.  it is crystal clear to me now that all my doubts and lack of responsibility were my walls of invulnerability being fortified with an old story.  a story which no longer served me.  it was time to change the story.
i had just come off of WDS and was in a lowly spot.  not due to wds, just due to my own lack of confidence and not understanding my skill set and desires...not quite yet having a grasp on where my joy (if/when i had any) intersected with the earth's deepest need.  well, soulstorm, the life and legacy design part, swiftly and lovingly kicked my ass into shape.  creating my 100 year vision shifted things in me that have remained solidly and firmly transformed.  changed. i no longer feel left behind.
thank the goddess.

some of this *elusives* won't make sense to you, and that's ok.  you will get the gist of it. 
but some of it i think may deeply resonate.
which parts do you most identify with, if any?
are you on a clearly defined passioante path? 

for me, both parts, the personal relationship and the businessy stuff, have been sorted out to the point that i have to pinch myself.  i can't really believe how lucky i am and that this is my life...that i have so much freedom and choice.  for all the developmental trauma, post traumatic stress, angst, uncertainty, and pain...if this is what i get in the end...i wouldn't change much at all.  i wouldn't be me without those experiences and i wouldn't be in this place of recognition and utter beauty if not for those hard times. every want, whim and desire is backed by my unfailingly supportive partner and i am on path, right-sized, clear about my *work* in the world. 
i am thankful.

so here it is...enjoy:

"Hello Dear One
I am writing to send you my "what has been elusive, whats missing for me that i know should be here, where have i wanted to go."
i think its summed up in the illumination paper work but in short, my personal relationship is nowhere near how i dream it to be.  it seems to be falling apart like never before and i am not sure if that is because it is as its meant to be or if its because of all this big rambunctious change happening full force now.  i feel like we have long been in transition but now i'm in a big push to sort it all out.  that's probably making a few waves.
a solid, no question forever and ever, vulnerable, trust worthy relationship is missing between my partner and i.  i don't think i can go on seeing it this way or it being this way....not sure if one is off kilter...
i've wanted to experience sparks, newness (18 years together now) walls coming down, new habits, change in expectations, surprise, thoughtfulness. 
i have definitely not been measuring wins and triumphs here!  totally measuring failures, disappointments, 'i told you so's, lack of ambition, comfortableness with mediocrity.
my default settings, in all areas, are called "lack of preferred self"  if it must be a city it would be ellensburg, wa.
in another area, business, what has been elusive is a convergence, a knowing where to go and in what direction.  i know what my loves and likes are but i cant see thru the trees to what is worth putting out there, that anyone would find valuable or useful. i have some very faint ideas that may be able to turn into something, eventually, but they are so unfinished, so non tethered in reality that i hesitate to even try describing them.  they are foggy even to me.   i love vintage stuff, i love making stuff, i love making beauty with objects, styling them, putting together vignettes, i love being a community centered herbalist, i love nature, i love music, i love surfing, horseback riding, foodie food, gardening, dancing.  i love watching my kids grow. and i am just starting to be able to see/admit that perhaps some of my angsty dissatisfaction is coming form them getting older, moving on, not needing me so much.  who am i if not the home centered earthmama of yesteryear.  what has been elusive is synthesizing all this into something that i can live on, live with, be.  do i stay with a flailing brick and mortar, do i move it online, do i keep my studio outside the home, do i move it back ( would be more productive actually), do i give it all up and change course, or do i add on somehow, do i go back to school, do i ditch it all and take off by myself......i have wanted to see more of the world, live more life, i get so bored with the mundane day to day.  i want stimulation, provocation, catharsis, enlightenment.  whats missing that i know should be here is the right passionate path for me.  how do you know?  i'm envious of those who were born to follow a particular path and they just go for it, do it, love it.  where is my path?  whats worth fighting for, doing, claiming, becoming.  i want to live abroad but i'm not willing to leave my kids behind.  i see it in my future, most certainly.  ultimately i want whatever i do to be location independent, not brick and mortar, tied down, stuck.  i want to experience a tribe, recognition,  and being held up for something worth while, valuable, known as giving, generous, and a little bit weird.  i never want to be 'normal' ever!
the other places, nature, art, community and even spirituality i feel ok about.  not super great fantastic, but ok in so much as they are not as pressing for me as the other two aspects: personal relationship and business/work.
my course correcting would be asking myself all the live long day if i am standing in the power of my preferred self. am i compromising, and am i being vulnerable enough, am i building walls or blowing holes thru them, am i being brave and authentic.  will these choices lead me to a life worth living or a continuance of a life of quiet desperation. 
that's the long answer to the short question.  thank you for asking.  each time i answer it, speak to it, the more i feel it coming forth, finding voice, reaching toward and not away.  i want it to come on slowly, not smack upside the head aha, so much.  i'd die of a heart attack if it whomped me over the noggin and that would be no good now, would it :) xxx"

forever feral,